Regroup and Focus

It has been a while since I posted.  To be honest, I really stopped posting because I was starting to wonder if the blog was helping anyone other than myself.  I pray that it is but if not, I will continue anyway because I feel that this is just something that I must do for me.  I believe that this is one of my assignments in life.

The girls and I moved the second week in November.  We all like the new place and have settled in comfortably. The  girls have never lived in an apartment so this is a new adventure for them.  The good thing is the place is not a traditional apartment.  It is almost like a townhouse because we have two levels and two full bathrooms.  The only thing I am still adjusting to is the smaller kitchen and not having a master bathroom any longer, but these are minor things and I am truly thankful that I found a place like this for rent.  Well, this will be home at least for the next year.   Even though the apartment is significantly smaller than the single family home we moved from, I feel more at home and settled here than I have in years.  You just can not put a price on your peace of mind.

With moving a few weeks before the start of the Holiday seasons, Thanksgiving and Christmas, the remainder of the year seems to be going really fast to me.  One of my daughters said yesterday that the year went fast.  I started to think  that this year was very different for me.  With my husband finally moving out of the house this past February and then knowing in my mind that the girls and I had to move because we lost the house, it was a lot to process.  Most importantly, I still have to be Mommy!  I could not shut down because life still goes on.  Life was going to move forward either with me or without me. With 2014 coming to an end, I am regrouping and have to focus and set some goals for 2015.  I will be starting the year 2015 in a totally different head space that ever before.  Living as a single mom with three amazing young ladies is a tall order but God has equipped me to handle this.  Life has given me some really tough blows this year, but looking back on it, I can say that I am still standing!  I am still here!  I was allowed to live another day because my earthly assignment is not over.  I have been in survival mode for so long.  Now the time has come for me to really start enjoying life more and to live each new day with great expectations.  Also being mindful that if certain doors in life are not opened for me, these are not doors that I am suppose to walk through.  It was not my time, but I know that great doors will be opened for me soon.  I have to keep the faith and stay positive because my latter will definitely be greater than my past.

It's Moving Time

This past Tuesday, I signed a lease for a new residence for the girls and myself.  We will be moving in a few weeks.  When I was at the leasing office last Saturday and the leasing agent  asked me if I was ready to fill out the rental application, I just broke down in tears.  I didn't know where it came from because I hadn't felt like I needed to cry but apparently I did.  I have been a home owner for almost 20 years and even at one time 2 homes during that time period.   The marriage, the move, it all just came to a head.  I felt so much better after letting it all out.  My aunt was with me and she said to me, "How much water can you pour in a bucket before it starts to over flow? " Perfect analogy !

I have grown and am continuing to grow during this transition in my life.  This is the first time ever that I will have a place of my own.  The lease only has my name on it.  Yes, it is great to have the assistance of a husband but I did this on my own.  I was approved based on my credit alone!  Twenty years ago, I got married and left my mother's house and moved in with the man I thought I would be with for the rest of my life.  I never had the experience of living on my own.  I am excited to be able to experience this with my children and they are excited as well.  

When the time is right, I will be married again and purchase another home. Until that time comes, I will continue to be the best woman and mother I can be, make improvements (spiritually,physically,and mentally),stay positive and MOVE FORWARD! 

Your comments are welcomed, so please leave one.

Dead Things Need To Stay Buried !

Last week, the kids and myself were treated to dinner because their dad hadn't seen them recently.  I will honestly admit that I was a little excited that we were going to dinner as a family like the "old times " and was looking forward to seeing him.  A quick thought flashed through my mind like, maybe we could work this out.  Well, the food was great but it was just like "old times."   He was not very involved with the conversation at the table at all.  At times, it was as though the girls and I were at dinner by ourselves.  I tried to include him in the conversation by talking about things that he would have an interest in.  As usual, he and the television in the restaurant resumed their love affair.
I don't know what I expected.  I guess because we have made some positive changes in our lives, I hoped that this dinner would be different, NOT!   If there is another offer in the future for dinner as a family, I will kindly decline and he and the girls can spend time together.  It is not about us rekindling our relationship as husband and wife, it is about him retaining and strengthening the relationship with our children.  This experience was a great lesson for me that some things just need to remain dead and buried.  Move Forward!

Not Saying Too Much These Days

These days my spouse does not have too much to say when we talk.  He still calls to check on us but once he hears everyone is fine or I update him on something regarding one of the girls, the conversation is over.  He would periodically call me during the day to say hi, but he has not done that for a while now.  He works a 24 hour work shift so I will call to check on him if I haven't heard from him just to make sure all is well.  Even when he stops pass the house to visit, he does not visit long.  He may chit chat a little bit but he just seems to keep the conversations brief.  At one time, he would want to talk like what seemed to be forever.  If he stopped pass the house to visit, he would stay and have dinner if I offered.  He took the girls to a carnival on Labor Day. When they were about to leave,  he asked one of them to call me to see if I had cooked dinner and I had.  In the background I heard him say good.  I figured I should make extra because he is coming in to eat dinner.  He dropped the girls off, never got out of his vehicle and declined the dinner offer. I must admit, that I was caught off guard when he said no. Later that evening he did call me to say thank you for the offer but he had stopped and picked up dinner for himself.  I am not afraid to admit that I am a little confused about this new behavior.  Not quite sure what to make of it.  Is he finally accepting the fact that the marriage is over?  Is he seeing someone?  Stop playing the guessing game and just ask him What's Up?  The truth is that the answers to any of these questions does not really matter.  I have to remember that my wifely role has changed, I care about him but he is not one of my priorities any longer.  I have been a wife for many many years so old habits can be hard to break.

Back To School

School time has come once again for the girls and myself.  We were separated for part of the last school year but at the start of this year it's just me.  Even when we were together, he was not as actively involved with schooling as I was so not too much has changed in that area. The difference now is that when I was filling out paper work that children bring home the first week (emergency information, etc.), there are now two different addresses on the forms.  It felt kind of weird writing a different address on the parent #2 line instead of writing same as above for the first time ever (our oldest is in the 11th grade).  However, this is our reality now.  I wasn't upset or angry.  It was just a reminder that we really are separated but doing fine.  

I look at our children and I am so thankful that they have really adjusted well to our new normal. Even birthdays for the girls this year was different.  Instead of a card from Dad and Mom, we each gave our own cards and presents. I jokingly said to one of the girls who celebrated a birthday recently, that it pays to have parents that are separated because you  now receive two gifts instead of one.  She laughed and said it does.

The blessing for us is that because of his work schedule, over the years he has missed first day of school, birthdays, holidays, school performances, etc. so  it is not out of the norm for us when Dad is not around.  He works in a profession that does not have the typical 9 to 5 Monday-Friday work schedule.  I will say that I was pleasantly surprised to see that even though he was working a 24 hour work shift on the first day of school, he was able to take some time from work to see the girls for a few moments.  When I arrived at the middle school to pick up one of my girls, daddy was standing there waiting with her.  It was a pleasant sight.  That was something that he had never done in the past.  Being separated can lead to a positive change in a person.  When you are not bitter, you grow and become better.

Comments are welcomed and encouraged so please leave one. 

Whatcha Doing?

The positive side of being separated is that it gives you time to think and work on you.  I tend to focus on positive things.  When negative thoughts come to mind (and they do from time to time) about my separation or something that my spouse does that I do not like, I don't entertain them.   It is perfectly natural for negativity, doubt or confusion to surface from time to time.  After all I am human.  I can say that because I don't entertain the negativity, it goes away quickly.  If you dwell on the negative you will get more negative. I focus my thoughts and energy on more positive things and I attract more positive things in my life.  If you doubt that the laws of attraction work, just put it to the test.  Here is an example that we all can relate to.  I think it is safe to say that all of us know someone is who a drama King or Queen or this person may be you.  Something is always going wrong in their life.  As soon as one thing ends, something else begins.  Even when  something good does happen for them, it somehow ends up with drama.  It is so draining to even have a conversation with them.  I tend to stay away from people like this because it is too toxic for me.  The drama is never ending because as much as they complain about it, they love it!  They can not function if drama is not around in their lives.  This is where their focus lies (even subconsciously).  This is what they attract.

To stay positive and focused while separated, I would recommend counseling or a support group if necessary.   Developing a hobby if you don't have one or improving on the one you currently have.  Also, reading a wonderful weekly blog such as Moving Forward  for inspiration and support is another option (:-)  These are just a few suggestions, there are countless other options.  Take the time to discover who you really are and what you want out of life.  Whether or not you decide to reconcile with your spouse, positive self improvement is always a step in the right direction.  So whatcha doing?

I look forward to hearing from you so please leave a comment.  

   

Strong Muscles

I recently started working out at a gym for the first time ever in life.   Even though my muscles were extremely sore when I first started and my legs hurt when I walked, I continued to work through the pain.  I was determined not to give up because I have to lose weight for my health ( I have high blood pressure and I am a boarder line diabetic.  Both are weight induced).  I have put this off for too long. Just eating healthy is not enough for my body.  I have to exercise in order for the scale to move in a downward spiral.   When I don't carry the extra weight my blood pressure and glucose level are normal without medication.   I cannot keep doing the same thing ( that is not exercise ) and expect different results.  That is called insanity.   My  muscles are not as sore as they were last week and I haven't seen a significant weight loss yet.  However, I do have more energy and my body is starting to feel differently.  I am certain that as long as the equipment at the gym remains in working condition and I do my part by showing up to work out and eat healthy, the weight loss will happen.

One morning after leaving the gym, I started thinking about sore muscles, being unhealthy and marriages.  I thought to myself, some marriages are like sore muscles.  What I mean is that my muscles are sore because I have not exercised in a very long time.  The soreness means that they are being worked.  They are becoming stronger and leaner.  There will come a time when my muscles are not sore and the work out will be too easy.  At that point it will be time for me to increase the resistance or change the routine in order to continue with my weight loss goal.

 A marriage with serious problems is like a muscle.   Muscles become stronger with exercise or will become weak for a lack thereof.  I will use my marriage as an example.  We had some major problems and didn't address them.  Some good times, more struggle times.   Just as I let my weight increase and high blood pressure and diabetes surfaced, not addressing our issues was unhealthy for us.  Arguing, growing apart, and dislike became our diseases. We lived for a long time with the illnesses and they lead to where we are now.  We didn't exercise to strengthen our marriage (the muscle).  Instead of becoming stronger and leaner, it became weak and worn out. It became terminally ill.   In order to survive we had to start individual work out routines.

My advice to those who are in marital discord and want to become healthy is to exercise.  If you and your spouse are willing, stretch those muscles!  They will be sore at first, but over time the soreness will decrease.   You will see a change to a stronger and healthier marriage.  When you're no longer sore, change things up a little to make sure you stay in great physical condition.   If you decide you would rather exercise alone, that is perfectly fine as well.  Just make sure you don't over exert yourself and pull a muscle.

Your comments are welcome.  I encourage you to leave one.

Let's Get Naked!

I bet you thought that the next few lines were going to be some juicy details of a hook up, NOT!  Now that I have your attention, I would like to talk about being naked and not ashamed.  In our society, it seems as though being separated or divorce comes with some type of stigma.  Somebody must have cheated or they only stayed together for the kids.  These might be reasons why a couple parted ways, but in a lot of relationships the following statement is also true, " We are both good people, but just not good together."  
There are some people that are inherently evil, but I believe that most of us are good people that make mistakes.  Some of these mistakes we can correct and move forward with our marriage.  Unfortunately, there are other mistakes that cause damage to the relationship that is beyond repair.  Hind sight is always 20/20 vision.  We don't get do overs in life, but we can learn from our mistakes to become better and wiser.

I have found that it is o.k. and necessary for us to get naked in front of each other. When we uncover and share our experiences, it helps us to learn and grow. We need each other as people to survive.  Sometimes a person just needs to know that they are not the only one going through a rough time in their marriage.  No marriage is perfect, because we are not perfect people. Even the best marriages had to go through some challenges to become the great marriage it is now.  As you encounter people over the course of your life, you will know who to expose yourself to.  Who needs to hear your story and whose story you need to hear.  Let wisdom lead and guide you and don't be afraid to Get Naked !

I would love you hear your comment, so don't forget to leave one.

Changes

I haven't posted in a few weeks, but I'm back and with a new look!  I hope that I was missed because I did miss blogging. I felt that it was time for Moving Forward to have a new look.  Every healthy thing grows and changes over time.  This includes marriages and relationships.  They should grow and change positively as time goes on because as people, we should be evolving and changing for the better as long as we live.  I wrote in a previous blog posting that lack of communication is a major problem in relationships.  I firmly believe that failure to accept change is another factor that leads to the downfall of many relationships.  Let's be clear on what I mean.  I am not talking about negative change that could be a detriment to yourself or your family (substance abuse, infidelity,etc).  Positive changes like losing weight to become a healthier you or going back to school to further your education.  It is not good to try to stifle someone else because of your own fears and insecurities.  Change and grow with them or they will grow and move on without you.

We should be like the caterpillar.  They start off in a worm like state.  Moving slowly on the ground just going about its business.  Nibbling here and there on leaves but not really doing much.  At a certain point in their lives, it is time for change.  They spin into their cocoon and undergo an amazing metamorphosis and emerge as a beautiful butterfly.  Better than ever!


Your comments are welcomed.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Independence Day

Just as a new relationship goes through phases, so does the end of a relationship.  I know that I am in the acceptance phase.  Accepting that the marriage is over and that the next move is to file for divorce when the legal waiting period is over.  This has been a reality for me for a while but there have been some events that have occurred that have made me completely sure that this is the best option for me.  It seems as though my estranged spouse is stuck in the denial phase.  I pray that as we move forward through this process, that he too moves into acceptance.  I would like to maintain a friendship with him but sometimes he seems to have difficulty navigating through the separation.  I expect him to call and check on his children, however holding lengthy conversations with me that don't involve matters about our kids is not necessary. Making plans with the kids and trying to include me is not moving forward.  We should maintain a positive relationship with each other because we have children together and we will always be in each others lives. He has to accept the fact that the family dynamics are different now.  Spending time with the children does not need to include me.  It feels like the more I move forward with my independence, the more he wants to cling.

The children and I had a "first moment" since the separation.  This evening was the first time that we went to dinner at a restaurant without Dad.  We had a really nice time.  No one was on their cellphone.  We actually talked and enjoyed each other's company.  This wasn't always the case in the past.  I look forward to many other first moments with them.  

My birthday is July 4th, Independence Day in America (Happy Birthday to Me!) This independence day birthday has special significance to me.  I have grown a lot since last year's birthday.  I have not accomplished all that I had planned, but I can confidently say that I will not stop until I do.  I am not living in the past, I only learn from it and use past mistakes or hurts to become better.  One day in the near future, I will be like the founding fathers signing my Declaration of Independence.  By that time, I pray that the other founding father is in agreement because there will not be a war.

Comments are encouraged and welcomed so please leave one.

Fear

I have heard that the word fear is an acronym for :
False Evidence Appearing Real.  This is so true. There have been times in my life because of FEAR I just stood still.  I didn't make certain decisions or didn't take the leap of faith. In my mind, it was just safer to stay where I was.  It may not have been what I wanted, but the FEAR of the unknown had me paralyzed.  Eventually, I got to a point where I had to turn FEAR into fear and start living in FAITH!  Fear only gains strength because WE give it the oxygen that it needs to live, breathe, grow and become larger than life.  Instead of focusing so much on the thing that has us fearful, focus more on faith, stay positive and purpose driven.  Believe that no matter how bad things get, they will get better!  Yes, life can be difficult, Yes people will disappoint you, and Yes you will feel like throwing in the towel.  I know because I have traveled on this highway and have sometimes gotten back on the on ramp, but I get off at the first exit because this road leads to self-destruction.  Doing the same thing and expecting different results is insanity!

Let's face life's challenges like jumping into the deep end of a swimming pool.  You know that the water is deep, you have to look before you jump in to see if there are any obstacles in your way and if so you jump from another location.  You jump in the water in faith because even if you hit the bottom of the pool floor, you Rise to the surface of the water.

Comments are welcomed and encouraged so please leave one.

Rain Storms

I always try my best to be a positive person who finds the good in every negative situation and live by faith. My faith has really been 
S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-D these last couple of weeks, even more so since last week. Contrary to popular opinion, even people of great faith sometimes find themselves in situations where their faith is being pushed to what seems insurmountable levels. To the point where they want to just give up!  I must be honest, this is how I felt last week.  However, I am thankful for true friends that pray for me and encourage me when I struggle to pray for myself.  Thankful for friends who don't judge me when the negative voices become louder than the positive ones. Thankful for friends who see and know my strengths even in my weak moments they encourage me to Move Forward!

Whether you are going through martial separation or just experiencing life circumstances, it is important to have "true friends" who are in your corner.  They let you vent, but they talk you off the ledge because they know the real you and your real strength.  Genuine friends come visit you at your pity party, but they don't stay and party with you.  They encourage you to leave the party with them.  They are your designated driver! The obstacles that I am facing have not been overcome yet but I have faith that I will be victorious because God has my back.  He is the best designated driver.  With Him I am like the big strong oak tree that is in the middle of a strong rain storm.  I may bend but I will not break!

I just want to encourage anyone who may be reading this to not give up and keep the faith!  I can't tell you when things will get better but I can promise you that if you stay the positive course and focus on the good and not the negative you will make it.  

Comments are welcomed and encouraged so please leave one.  

Boundaries

I have mentioned previously that although my spouse and I are separated, we have a good friendship.  I believe that our good friendship is preventing him from understanding boundaries.  Let me share an example with you from earlier in the week.  The kids and I turned into the block where we live.  I could immediately see his car in the driveway and it was being washed by his buddy.  He was using my towels, water, electric etc.  I said to myself WTH?  You don't even live here!  You have some nerve!  The water and electric bill are very costly!  I greeted them friendly  and decided that now was not the right time to say something to him about this.  I remembered a few hours before, he called me but I was in a place where I could not answer my cell phone.   He did not leave a message or text me so I thought it could not have been that important.  I did try to call him back but was not able to reach him.  So,  I will  give him the benefit of the doubt to say that is why he called me.
I feel the proper thing would have been to text me and ask if it was o.k. to wash his car at my home.  Or say something to me upon my arrival at home. The best solution would have been for him to go to a car wash.  The money he was paying to have his friend wash his car could have been spent there.  I  wouldn't dare go over to his house when he was not home and wash clothes (besides I don't even have a key to get in).  Some may think that it may be a control issue but I really believe that he thought this was fine.  The positive thing is he did pay his friend to wash my vehicle because it definitely needed washing.  I decided that I was going to let it slide this time but I will have to have a friendly discussion with him the next time the boundary is crossed.  I am big on communication and know that pebbles left unattended have a way of turning into boulders really quickly.

Your comments are encouraged and welcomed so please leave one !

Do You Really Have to Do That ?

The great Maya Angelou said “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”  This is such a profound statement.  When I was dating my spouse years ago, he had an annoying habit that really got on my nerves.  Guess what, over 20 years has past and he still has this annoying habit that drives me crazy.  Even though we are separated, I still encounter it from time to time.  It bothered me before we got married, so I am not sure what I thought would happen once we were married and living under the same roof.  I believe that it is important to consider all aspects of a person's personality, as well as your own personality, before you make a life commitment.  If you can live with the characteristics that make you crazy and know that these things may not change, Congratulations! If you are not certain, I would advise you to do some serious soul searching before you say "I Do" because till death do us part can be a loooong time.

Comments are welcomed and encouraged so please leave one.  Have a great holiday weekend!

Wedding Bells

One of my closest friends just recently remarried.  I am so happy for her.  I have been on this journey with her from her divorce to the new marriage and everything in between.  To listen to her talk about her husband and the love they have for each other is so amazing and heart warming.  It inspires me because I want to experience this type of love in a marriage.

We were made to love and be loved.  God loved the world so much that he gave us His Son.  We were made in His image!  So when I hear women say I don't need a man or men say that I don't need a woman, I don't think they actually realize what they are saying.  We do need each other in this life.  YES- you may be able to pay your own bills,  YES-you should love your self before you can expect anyone else to love you, YES- you should be happy with yourself and a mate should add to that happiness. But if God, the creator of love, desires for us to be in relationship with him, who are we to say we don't need love or anyone.  Sometimes we say certain things because we have been hurt and don't want to experience the hurt again. We put on a strong front to pretend like we're not hurting because we don't want the world to know.  There was a time when I said that I would never get married again but that isn't the way I feel know.  I felt that way  because I was hurting and didn't want to be in that position to hurt again.

Remember when we kids playing, tripped and fell over something and hurt ourselves.  We may have cried a little but we got up and started playing again.  We learned that we had to avoid the thing we tripped over that caused us to get hurt if we wanted to have a good time playing.  If we couldn't avoid it, we would go play somewhere else because nothing was going to stop us from having a good time.  Or maybe you were one of those kids that learned that hard way.  You didn't want to change playgrounds and continued to get hurt over and over again. Eventually, you learned that you should go play somewhere else.  We can use these childhood  lessons in our adult life.

I love the concept of marriage and desire to be married again.  Marriage is wonderful, we as people mess it up.  Should everyone be married or will everyday be wedded bliss, of course not!  I just feel that before we say till death do us part, we should be equally yoked on many levels so when we trip and hurt ourselves we stay on the same playground.

Your comments are welcomed and encouraged so please leave one.

What Did You Say?

I don't think I can even put into words how important communication is in a relationship.  Personally, I think it ranks right up there with love.  Actually, I will be bold enough to say that it may be more important than love because communication is the reason why we fall in love or out of love with someone.  Especially in my situation being separated from my spouse, keeping the lines of communication open is vital.  Not just for us, but for our children as well.  This past weekend, my husband and I had a  misunderstanding.  A few weeks ago, he advised me of the manner in which he was going to handle an agreement that we have established. When I asked him about it last Friday, he looked confused.  As I reminded him of our conversation a few weeks back he said, "Oh, that may have been what I said but that is not what I meant."  I was waiting for someone to jump out with a t.v.camera to tell me I was being punked or being filmed for a reality television show.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  I wanted to say some words that I haven't said in years (#$@&%*) but the mature side of me knew that would not be the best thing to do.  I had to practice what I tell my children, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.  I don't think that I will ever understand why it is so difficult for some people to say what they mean and mean what they say.  Many issues wouldn't even be issues if we learn the skill of effective communication.

We did resolve our issue peacefully. I decided to let him live because I didn't want to be incarcerated for Mother's Day.  Just kidding, we did resolve it peacefully.  I have to remember that he is not a great communicator and I have hope for growth for him in this area because it is never too late to learn. 

Have a great Mother's day  to all the Mothers and those who are Mother figures in someone's life.  

Comments are encouraged and welcomed so please leave one. 

Boomerang

Dictionary.com defines boomerang (verb): to recoil or return unexpectedly, causing harm to its originator;backfire
In marriage and life in general, it is so important to be mindful of the way we treat people.  We might lie, cheat, steal, etc. and think that as long as the other person doesn't find out what is the harm?  I can have my cake and eat it too!  After all, I'm paying the bills and making sure everything is okay.  My wife isn't meeting my needs, why can't I have a little fun?  I'm taking care of the household to make sure everyone is fine.  My husband doesn't have time for me.  That's o.k., I will find someone that will.  You may know some people like this or this may be you.  Please be mindful that the negative things that you do to your spouse will most definitely come back to you.  It may take days, weeks, or even years but it will happen and when it does, you will not be able to handle it. 
If you are unhappy in your marriage, communicate with your spouse.  If both of you are willing, work on your problems.  Infidelity is never the way to go and always causes more problems.  If you feel as though you want out and you're not willing to work on the relationship, do yourself and your spouse a favor.  Be honest, stop wasting everyone's time and leave peacefully.  I don't mean move out without saying anything when the person is at work or out of town.  Have a grown up respectful conversation  about the situation.

The wonderful news is that the boomerang effect works for good things as well !
Dictionary.com  also provides another definition of the word boomerang (verb): come back or return, as a boomerang.
For those who are treating their spouses with love, respect, kindness, etc.  This is what you will receive in return. Therefore, it is up to you to decide what will boomerang back in your life so please throw your boomerang wisely.

I welcome your comments.  So please leave one.

Man In The Mirror

Moving Forward is a blog about marital separation, however this week I would like to talk about something that is applicable to all kinds of relationships. Michael Jackson said it best, " I'm starting with the man in the mirror.  I'm asking him to change his ways."  
The past two weeks at work have been very interesting to say the least.  Our supervisor is extremely controlling and thinks that everything she says and does is right.  She claims that she has on open door policy and welcomes ideas but if you make a suggestion or speak up, your idea is shot down and you may become the next one on her hit list.  She is just plain evil. This does not make for a healthy work environment.  On Tuesday and Wednesday, two different people said to me that the thing you dislike in others is something that you have a problem with.  I said to myself  let me take a look at this.  I know that I am not evil and I do not go out of my way to make life miserable for others.  I don't always think I'm right and I welcome the input of others.  That leaves controlling.  I am in no way, shape or form as controlling as my supervisor, but I can have some controlling ways.  I recognize that and I can work at not being so controlling in certain relationships or areas in my life.  Also, I realize that while I pray for myself, I need to pray for her as well because something has happened to her in life that has caused her to be this way.  Instead of being angry with her, I feel sorry for her.
In relationships of all types we often say he is so this or she is so that.  Though these statements may be true about that individual, what is the truth about ourselves?  (as a side note, there are some relationships that are not healthy and are actually dangerous.  I am not talking about these types of relationships) Have we taken the time to look at the man in the mirror and made a change for the better?  Or are we too busy throwing stones from our glass houses?

#WheredoIgofromhere

It has been almost three months since we officially separated and everyone is settling in our"new normal."    So the question is where do I go from here?  I know a lot of people that are separated from their spouses and have moved on with other relationships.  Some have divorces pending and others have not filed.  I also know a person that got engaged before they were even divorced.  Everyone has to do what they believe is best for them.  I feel that some people move forward to other relationships too quickly without healing from the failure of their marriage.  Some don't even take the time to learn from their mistakes. There are some who blame the failure of their marriage completely on the other person (it is never just one person's fault).  What ever the reason for the marital break down, just PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO HEAL, FORGIVE, AND LEARN BEFORE YOU MOVE FORWARD!  Even if your move forward is reconciliation with your spouse.  I can truly testify to this.  My husband and I were separated for 5 years the first time.   When we decided to reconcile, a few days before child number 2 was born, we never took the time to work on the problems that caused us to separate.  One of us wanted to go to counseling, the other one said we did not need counseling, we would be fine.  I guess that plan didn't work out.

 Again I ask, " Where do I go from here?"  The inpatient side of me wants to be in a relationship.  Even though my spouse moved out a little while ago, we were separated living under the same roof for a while. We agreed that we wouldn't see other people while we were living together.  So why shouldn't I get involved with someone else? Other people have done it and they seem to be fine.  I would like to have a movie or dinner date with that special someone.  The reality of the situation is whether or not people believe it, the failure of a marriage is a grieving process just like a death.  It is not fair to your self, children (if you have kids), and the new person of interest to get too serious too soon without healing, forgiving, and learning from the past.  You don't want to bring the baggage of the past into your present.  

So for me as I move forward, I am taking the time to grieve the end of my marriage and grow closer to God to be the best woman I can be and a good role model for my daughters.  I love myself and I will not settle just for anyone and rush into anything.  Love will come again but healing, forgiveness, and wisdom will come first.

Comments are encouraged and welcomed.

Joyful

A few days after my post last week, my spouse became ill.  For all the years that I have known him, he typically does not get really ill.  He was diagnosed as having an upper respiratory infection.  He had a cough that was so bad that he could barely talk.  He was in his house for several days recuperating.  He is doing much better now.  I did call him everyday to check on him and even went to the store for him twice during this time to purchase food and household items that he needed.  I am not writing this because I want recognition.  The purpose of this week's blog is to express my joy.  My joy is not because he was ill.  The joyfulness is because we have over come so much negativity in our marriage to the point that a great friendship has evolved.   Despite the fact the we are separated, our friendship is such that it was my pleasure to offer to help out my friend in his time of need.  Also, joyous because my friend felt secure enough to ask me for help without fear of condemnation.

This journey that we are on has not always been easy emotionally, but I have "JOY" in the fact that we genuinely care about each other.  Also, we understand that sometimes we have to agree to disagree on certain things. We are not one of those couples who separated and detest one another.   Although this journey will eventually end with divorce, no matter what may come our way, I am determined that peace, love, and joy will always have a place to dwell with us.

Comments are welcomed and encouraged so please leave one.  

Happy Anniversary

Today is my 20th wedding anniversary.  I cannot believe that it has been 20 years since I said " I Do."   If someone would have showed me 20 years ago a movie of the current state of our marriage on that sunny April 2nd Saturday afternoon, I would not have believed it and I would have proceeded with the wedding ceremony.  Knowing what I know now,  I have to ask myself, if  I could have a "do over"  would I  get married?  Hind sight is always 20/20 vision.  I can honestly say I would.  Everything that has transpired over the last 20 years has made me the person I am today.  All the good, the bad, and the ugly.
There was a point in my life when I thought God had forgotten about me and that I was being punished for something because my marriage was pure hell.   I hurt so badly that I thought death has got to be better than this awful life.  I was really angry at God and blamed Him for this miserable existence.  At that point, I don't think I even loved myself.  What stopped me from "moving forward" in the wrong direction was I thought about my children.  Is this the memory I wanted to leave for my girls?   I love them too much to do this to them.  The truth is that my heavenly Father loves me too much to inflict pain and suffering on me.  I stopped feeling sorry for myself and playing the blame game because no one ever wins.
 Thank you God for loving me and never giving up on me even when I wanted to give up !
I always end my posting with something positive and today will not be any different.  Today on my 20th wedding anniversary I celebrate the fact that I am the mom to three amazing and talented young ladies, I love the woman I have matured into, and my spouse and I are peacefully Moving Forward!

Comments are welcomed and encouraged.

More than Words

 Although the tongue is one of the smaller parts of our body, it has the ability to do some serious damage.  Proverbs 18:21 says that death and life are in the power of the tongue.  Words are very powerful !  We have the ability to lift someone up or tear them down with the words we speak.  It would be wise to use words carefully because once words are spoken, you cannot take them back.  An apology does not always make things better because you meant what you said at the moment you said it.  As kids we used to say sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me -not true.  Words can cut deeper than a knife.

During the course of my relationship with my spouse, there were some hurtful things that we said to one another.  There is a saying that states, you hurt the ones you love.  Although that may be the truth for some, I learned another truth.  I became wiser over time and discovered that you can agree to disagree with someone.   Also, you don't have to say hurtful things when having a disagreement.  

I am so grateful that my husband and I have matured in this area and that neither one of us is acting like an "itch" because of the separation.  This past weekend, I had to make a financial decision.  Even though we are separated, I asked for his advice.  The words he spoke were true words of wisdom and they helped me make my decision.  This only happened because we speak kind words to one another and don't try to tear the other one down.  No good ever comes from verbally abusing someone. You might win the fight, but you will surely lose the war.  

Comments are welcomed and encouraged so please leave one.  

Living or Existing

Are you living or are you existing?  This is a question that I asked myself.  The answer is that for the first time in my life, I am LIVING!  Some may think, that is a silly statement.  Of course you are living.  How could you not be living when you are writing this weekly blog?  To that I say, I had been existing on this earth for many years.  Yes, there have been joyous times in my life and pleasurable experiences.  But as I look back over my adult years, I was primarily existing.  Same routine everyday (being a mom, wife, errands, chores, etc).  I was so busy taking care of everything, I only stopped to live once in a while.  I have learned that you only get one chance to live your life.  You must make the best of every situation.  We can not control everything that happens to us, but we do have control in how we respond.  I could dwell in the fact that I wasted too many years not enjoying life, but what good would that do.  I live by the fact that it is never to late to change your life.  No matter how old you are, as long as you still have breath in your body you can live!  Instead of existing in defeat, I choose to speak life over myself and my situation.  Should have, would have, and could have are a group of people I stopped hanging around a while ago.

Comments are welcomed and encouraged.  So please leave one. 

Thankful

It has been a month since we separated.  Although we lived separate lives under the same roof for a few years, it is totally different when you live apart.  To quote Pharrell Williams from his song-Happy, "It might seem crazy what I'm about to say," but I am thankful for this experience.  Why am I thankful you might ask?  It's not because I have a new love interest or that I don't have to hear loud snoring in my ear (well maybe I am thankful for that).  It is because I am a new me!

The first time we separated years ago, I was by myself. Initially,we did not have any children.  A few months after we separated, I became pregnant.  I could not believe that this was happening.  I thought why would God allow this to happen and my husband and I were not together? Shouldn't the moment when you find out your expecting your first child with your husband be a joyous one? Well, in a perfect world it would be but life is not perfect.  I was angry, scared and lonely.  This is not what I signed up for.  Where was my happily ever after?  Apparently it was only in the Disney movies.  This was the old me.

I am truly thankful for the more positive me.  Years ago I thought it was hard with one child and  I did not know if I would be able to handle it.  This time around there are three and I am thankful for them. They are really doing well.  Of course they miss their dad but there have not been any major problems.  They enjoy the time that they spend with him. 

This time around I know that we will be fine.  I traded in angry, scared, and lonely for happy,courageous, and peaceful. I like the person I see when I look in the mirror and the woman that I am developing into.  I look forward to making new memories and having good times.  Also, I look forward to a bright future with  anticipation that great things are coming our way.  Is everyday going to be a happy one?  Of course not.  But I am thankful that I have learned over the years that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  It will be as sweet or sour as I choose it to be.  I like my lemonade sweet!

  

Snow Days

I looked out the window yesterday to see what another east coast snow storm had left behind.  I did not look forward to shoveling snow.  The kids and I went outside.  Everyone was doing their part to get this accomplished.  The snow wasn't actually that deep and it was very light and easy to move.  It didn't take long to see concrete on my walkway, driveway and steps.  I put off shoveling for hours because I didn't feel like being bothered but it had to be done. I couldn't help but think that this is how some of us deal with marriages or even relationships in general.  The snow (our problems)  falls on the ground (our marriages or relationships) and it covers up a nice clean surface.  We make excuses why we don't want to shovel at the moment (that is deal with our problems).  It's too cold, I'm tired,or I will deal with it later.  The excuses are endless.  If only we would have shoveled earlier, the snow would have been easier to move.  Or, I should say  if only we had dealt with our problems together earlier, the marriage may not have  come to this place.

Just as I stated earlier, "everyone was doing their part to get this accomplished."  I want to say that you can not make an adult shovel if they don't want to.  You think, that when you say the words "I Do," you have a shoveling partner.  Unfortunately, that is not always the case.  Being in the middle of the snow storm is not the right time to find out if your spouse is willing to shovel.  Regarding my husband and myself, I will not say which one of us didn't want to shovel  because it's not about blaming anyone.  What I am saying is that before you take that walk down the aisle, please make sure that you have a partner who is willing to help you shovel through the snow storms, even blizzards in your marriage.   Be advised, you don't have to shovel because eventually all the snow and ice will melt away.  Spring will come, the flowers will bloom and you forget about all that snow that was once on your lawn.  But, the summer heat always follows Spring !

I'm Fine

" I'm fine Mom" are the three words my oldest child has said to me for months.  We have a great relationship and we talk about a lot of things.  She has told me time after time, that she is fine with the fact that her dad and I were separating and would be divorcing in the future.  She wanted to see me happy.  She even stated that it was not a surprise to her because she was wondering when we would be getting divorced.   I thought to myself, okay.  The oldest is good so let me make sure the younger two children were fine.  Especially the youngest because she was initially having a difficult time.  This past Saturday, the opportunity presented its self for the children to go visit Dad at his house for the first time since he left.  The house that all five of us use to live in together.  The first home we purchased.  The girls were so excited to go back to see the house because they had not been there in about six years.  Well,  I should say at least two of them were excited.   The youngest packed up three bags of things she wanted to take to leave at her dad's house and the middle child was just as eager.  The oldest of the group said she wasn't going.  I asked her why ? She stated that it finally hit her that morning that Dad was really gone and that he did not live here anymore.  She did not want to go back to the old house because it might bring back too many memories.  She wasn't sure if she ever wanted to go there to visit.  We talked about it and I encouraged her to please keep the lines of communication open between her dad and myself because years down the road she will not be swinging from a pole with people calling her Cinnamon(I did mention earlier that we talk about a lot of things). They didn't always have the best communication going when they lived under the same the roof so I didn't want it to get worse.  I encouraged her to talk to her dad to let him know how she felt.  Also, I let her know that she does not have to be the " big strong teenager." It was ok to be sad and that she is not in this by herself.  This is an emotional process that she is going through and there will be a day when we all will look back at this time in our lives without tears.  She did talk to him and he said he understood. 

 

Later that evening, I shared with her the fact that I was fearful to take her sisters to the old house.  It was not in my plans to go in at all.  I was just dropping them off and coming back home.  I didn't want to go back into that place that held so many memories (good and bad).  I decided to face my fears and go in.  For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7 NLT).  I was fine!  I even sat and talked for a while.  The fear of what I thought I would experience, was greater than what occurred.  She did tell me last night that the next time it was time for a visit with dad, she would go.  I was so glad to hear that.  I know God hears and answers my prayers.  I know that we are truly going to be fine.  

Friends

It was a week yesterday that my husband moved out.  I am in a pretty good space mentally and our daughters had a good week as well.  Even my husband seemed to have a good week.  I know people will only tell you what they want you to know, but in talking to him, he sounds really good.  He doesn't sound angry or bitter.  He calls to check on us and has visited.  He even calls to tell me about the great bargains that he has found on certain household items (lol) and I am happy for him.  We were friends before he moved out, but something has even shifted for the better in this friendship.  I feel like I am talking to one of my closest friends rather than the spouse that I am separated from.  We have known each other for over 20 years, but our friendship has never been this good.  I know that as life goes on there will be obstacles and moments that we will agree to disagree.  What I pray is that we always keep the lines of communication and respect open.  I pray for nothing but the best for him.  A life where he is healthy, restored, happy and prosperous.  Not just because he is the father of my daughters and I want something from him.  There was a time when I didn't care what happened to him because of the pain and hurt he caused me.  A time where we lived under the same roof and slept in the same bed and didn't even speak to each other.  A time when the only thing we saw in each other was disgust.  I thank my God everyday that we are not the same people we used to be.  It took time for me to realize that I am not the only child God has, my spouse is a child of God as well.  He loves him just as much as he loves me.  I noticed that when I started to change my attitude about my husband, his attitude started to change towards me.

I understand that even though we are separated, we are still going through the same situation because this is his marriage as well.  It is a grieving process for both us and we will go through this process in our own way. There is always something good that can be found it every negative situation.   I would rather have a great friend than an unhealthy marriage any day.  The positive for me is that I have a new friend.

Going, Going, Gone

Well, today my husband called me at work to let me know that he would be officially staying at his house now.  I knew this day was coming because we had just talked about it last week.  Even in knowing this, I couldn't help but shed a few tears while he talked.  That big knot welled up in my throat as I tried to hold back the tears.  I thought to myself, why are you telling me this over the phone?  You could have said something this morning when I left the house.  I have to remember that this is not easy for him either.  He just told me last week that he didn't feel the urge to have to rush to move because he loves us and we had not been arguing.   He was supposed to have moved out last year but did not and had set many moving dates that were postponed.  I told our girls this past weekend, that it would probably be the last weekend that Dad would be with us.  The older two girls were good but the youngest cried a little.
My husband does not work a typical 9 to 5 job therefore, some days we would not see him.  But, when I drove into my block this evening and his vehicle was not in the drive way, I knew it wasn't because he was working.  Even the atmosphere in the house felt different to me.  I did sob a few times and I had to stop to ask myself why.  Even though we made this decision together, even though I didn't love him the way I used to, even though I had been waiting to get to our "new normal," it is still a heart aching moment to know that he is really gone.  I will continue to pray for him, our girls, and myself.  Weeping endures for the night but JOY comes in the morning ! There is a brand new life waiting for the girls and me.

Indecision

Sometimes in marriage, we find ourselves in a place we never imagined.  We come to a crossroads and don't know what to do.  We separate from our spouse and are unclear of what choices we should make. Continual indecision is not the will of God for our lives.  I know this all too well because this is the life that I have lived for years.  One daughter and 17 years ago, we separated for about 5 years.  Now three daughters and 17 years later, we find ourselves back to the same place.  Only this time, reconciliation is not in the plans.  The ironic thing is that we are better friends now than we have ever been.

I wanted to start this blog, as a way to continue with the healing process and to help other people who are going through the same situation.  It should be known that this is not a spouse bashing forum.  This is a place for healing, support, and sharing experiences.  I am not promoting divorce or reconciliation.  Just saying that it is not healthy to remain in a place of indecision.  It is time to move forward.