Boundaries

I have mentioned previously that although my spouse and I are separated, we have a good friendship.  I believe that our good friendship is preventing him from understanding boundaries.  Let me share an example with you from earlier in the week.  The kids and I turned into the block where we live.  I could immediately see his car in the driveway and it was being washed by his buddy.  He was using my towels, water, electric etc.  I said to myself WTH?  You don't even live here!  You have some nerve!  The water and electric bill are very costly!  I greeted them friendly  and decided that now was not the right time to say something to him about this.  I remembered a few hours before, he called me but I was in a place where I could not answer my cell phone.   He did not leave a message or text me so I thought it could not have been that important.  I did try to call him back but was not able to reach him.  So,  I will  give him the benefit of the doubt to say that is why he called me.
I feel the proper thing would have been to text me and ask if it was o.k. to wash his car at my home.  Or say something to me upon my arrival at home. The best solution would have been for him to go to a car wash.  The money he was paying to have his friend wash his car could have been spent there.  I  wouldn't dare go over to his house when he was not home and wash clothes (besides I don't even have a key to get in).  Some may think that it may be a control issue but I really believe that he thought this was fine.  The positive thing is he did pay his friend to wash my vehicle because it definitely needed washing.  I decided that I was going to let it slide this time but I will have to have a friendly discussion with him the next time the boundary is crossed.  I am big on communication and know that pebbles left unattended have a way of turning into boulders really quickly.

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Do You Really Have to Do That ?

The great Maya Angelou said “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”  This is such a profound statement.  When I was dating my spouse years ago, he had an annoying habit that really got on my nerves.  Guess what, over 20 years has past and he still has this annoying habit that drives me crazy.  Even though we are separated, I still encounter it from time to time.  It bothered me before we got married, so I am not sure what I thought would happen once we were married and living under the same roof.  I believe that it is important to consider all aspects of a person's personality, as well as your own personality, before you make a life commitment.  If you can live with the characteristics that make you crazy and know that these things may not change, Congratulations! If you are not certain, I would advise you to do some serious soul searching before you say "I Do" because till death do us part can be a loooong time.

Comments are welcomed and encouraged so please leave one.  Have a great holiday weekend!

Wedding Bells

One of my closest friends just recently remarried.  I am so happy for her.  I have been on this journey with her from her divorce to the new marriage and everything in between.  To listen to her talk about her husband and the love they have for each other is so amazing and heart warming.  It inspires me because I want to experience this type of love in a marriage.

We were made to love and be loved.  God loved the world so much that he gave us His Son.  We were made in His image!  So when I hear women say I don't need a man or men say that I don't need a woman, I don't think they actually realize what they are saying.  We do need each other in this life.  YES- you may be able to pay your own bills,  YES-you should love your self before you can expect anyone else to love you, YES- you should be happy with yourself and a mate should add to that happiness. But if God, the creator of love, desires for us to be in relationship with him, who are we to say we don't need love or anyone.  Sometimes we say certain things because we have been hurt and don't want to experience the hurt again. We put on a strong front to pretend like we're not hurting because we don't want the world to know.  There was a time when I said that I would never get married again but that isn't the way I feel know.  I felt that way  because I was hurting and didn't want to be in that position to hurt again.

Remember when we kids playing, tripped and fell over something and hurt ourselves.  We may have cried a little but we got up and started playing again.  We learned that we had to avoid the thing we tripped over that caused us to get hurt if we wanted to have a good time playing.  If we couldn't avoid it, we would go play somewhere else because nothing was going to stop us from having a good time.  Or maybe you were one of those kids that learned that hard way.  You didn't want to change playgrounds and continued to get hurt over and over again. Eventually, you learned that you should go play somewhere else.  We can use these childhood  lessons in our adult life.

I love the concept of marriage and desire to be married again.  Marriage is wonderful, we as people mess it up.  Should everyone be married or will everyday be wedded bliss, of course not!  I just feel that before we say till death do us part, we should be equally yoked on many levels so when we trip and hurt ourselves we stay on the same playground.

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What Did You Say?

I don't think I can even put into words how important communication is in a relationship.  Personally, I think it ranks right up there with love.  Actually, I will be bold enough to say that it may be more important than love because communication is the reason why we fall in love or out of love with someone.  Especially in my situation being separated from my spouse, keeping the lines of communication open is vital.  Not just for us, but for our children as well.  This past weekend, my husband and I had a  misunderstanding.  A few weeks ago, he advised me of the manner in which he was going to handle an agreement that we have established. When I asked him about it last Friday, he looked confused.  As I reminded him of our conversation a few weeks back he said, "Oh, that may have been what I said but that is not what I meant."  I was waiting for someone to jump out with a t.v.camera to tell me I was being punked or being filmed for a reality television show.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  I wanted to say some words that I haven't said in years (#$@&%*) but the mature side of me knew that would not be the best thing to do.  I had to practice what I tell my children, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.  I don't think that I will ever understand why it is so difficult for some people to say what they mean and mean what they say.  Many issues wouldn't even be issues if we learn the skill of effective communication.

We did resolve our issue peacefully. I decided to let him live because I didn't want to be incarcerated for Mother's Day.  Just kidding, we did resolve it peacefully.  I have to remember that he is not a great communicator and I have hope for growth for him in this area because it is never too late to learn. 

Have a great Mother's day  to all the Mothers and those who are Mother figures in someone's life.  

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