I'm Fine

" I'm fine Mom" are the three words my oldest child has said to me for months.  We have a great relationship and we talk about a lot of things.  She has told me time after time, that she is fine with the fact that her dad and I were separating and would be divorcing in the future.  She wanted to see me happy.  She even stated that it was not a surprise to her because she was wondering when we would be getting divorced.   I thought to myself, okay.  The oldest is good so let me make sure the younger two children were fine.  Especially the youngest because she was initially having a difficult time.  This past Saturday, the opportunity presented its self for the children to go visit Dad at his house for the first time since he left.  The house that all five of us use to live in together.  The first home we purchased.  The girls were so excited to go back to see the house because they had not been there in about six years.  Well,  I should say at least two of them were excited.   The youngest packed up three bags of things she wanted to take to leave at her dad's house and the middle child was just as eager.  The oldest of the group said she wasn't going.  I asked her why ? She stated that it finally hit her that morning that Dad was really gone and that he did not live here anymore.  She did not want to go back to the old house because it might bring back too many memories.  She wasn't sure if she ever wanted to go there to visit.  We talked about it and I encouraged her to please keep the lines of communication open between her dad and myself because years down the road she will not be swinging from a pole with people calling her Cinnamon(I did mention earlier that we talk about a lot of things). They didn't always have the best communication going when they lived under the same the roof so I didn't want it to get worse.  I encouraged her to talk to her dad to let him know how she felt.  Also, I let her know that she does not have to be the " big strong teenager." It was ok to be sad and that she is not in this by herself.  This is an emotional process that she is going through and there will be a day when we all will look back at this time in our lives without tears.  She did talk to him and he said he understood. 

 

Later that evening, I shared with her the fact that I was fearful to take her sisters to the old house.  It was not in my plans to go in at all.  I was just dropping them off and coming back home.  I didn't want to go back into that place that held so many memories (good and bad).  I decided to face my fears and go in.  For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7 NLT).  I was fine!  I even sat and talked for a while.  The fear of what I thought I would experience, was greater than what occurred.  She did tell me last night that the next time it was time for a visit with dad, she would go.  I was so glad to hear that.  I know God hears and answers my prayers.  I know that we are truly going to be fine.  

Friends

It was a week yesterday that my husband moved out.  I am in a pretty good space mentally and our daughters had a good week as well.  Even my husband seemed to have a good week.  I know people will only tell you what they want you to know, but in talking to him, he sounds really good.  He doesn't sound angry or bitter.  He calls to check on us and has visited.  He even calls to tell me about the great bargains that he has found on certain household items (lol) and I am happy for him.  We were friends before he moved out, but something has even shifted for the better in this friendship.  I feel like I am talking to one of my closest friends rather than the spouse that I am separated from.  We have known each other for over 20 years, but our friendship has never been this good.  I know that as life goes on there will be obstacles and moments that we will agree to disagree.  What I pray is that we always keep the lines of communication and respect open.  I pray for nothing but the best for him.  A life where he is healthy, restored, happy and prosperous.  Not just because he is the father of my daughters and I want something from him.  There was a time when I didn't care what happened to him because of the pain and hurt he caused me.  A time where we lived under the same roof and slept in the same bed and didn't even speak to each other.  A time when the only thing we saw in each other was disgust.  I thank my God everyday that we are not the same people we used to be.  It took time for me to realize that I am not the only child God has, my spouse is a child of God as well.  He loves him just as much as he loves me.  I noticed that when I started to change my attitude about my husband, his attitude started to change towards me.

I understand that even though we are separated, we are still going through the same situation because this is his marriage as well.  It is a grieving process for both us and we will go through this process in our own way. There is always something good that can be found it every negative situation.   I would rather have a great friend than an unhealthy marriage any day.  The positive for me is that I have a new friend.

Going, Going, Gone

Well, today my husband called me at work to let me know that he would be officially staying at his house now.  I knew this day was coming because we had just talked about it last week.  Even in knowing this, I couldn't help but shed a few tears while he talked.  That big knot welled up in my throat as I tried to hold back the tears.  I thought to myself, why are you telling me this over the phone?  You could have said something this morning when I left the house.  I have to remember that this is not easy for him either.  He just told me last week that he didn't feel the urge to have to rush to move because he loves us and we had not been arguing.   He was supposed to have moved out last year but did not and had set many moving dates that were postponed.  I told our girls this past weekend, that it would probably be the last weekend that Dad would be with us.  The older two girls were good but the youngest cried a little.
My husband does not work a typical 9 to 5 job therefore, some days we would not see him.  But, when I drove into my block this evening and his vehicle was not in the drive way, I knew it wasn't because he was working.  Even the atmosphere in the house felt different to me.  I did sob a few times and I had to stop to ask myself why.  Even though we made this decision together, even though I didn't love him the way I used to, even though I had been waiting to get to our "new normal," it is still a heart aching moment to know that he is really gone.  I will continue to pray for him, our girls, and myself.  Weeping endures for the night but JOY comes in the morning ! There is a brand new life waiting for the girls and me.

Indecision

Sometimes in marriage, we find ourselves in a place we never imagined.  We come to a crossroads and don't know what to do.  We separate from our spouse and are unclear of what choices we should make. Continual indecision is not the will of God for our lives.  I know this all too well because this is the life that I have lived for years.  One daughter and 17 years ago, we separated for about 5 years.  Now three daughters and 17 years later, we find ourselves back to the same place.  Only this time, reconciliation is not in the plans.  The ironic thing is that we are better friends now than we have ever been.

I wanted to start this blog, as a way to continue with the healing process and to help other people who are going through the same situation.  It should be known that this is not a spouse bashing forum.  This is a place for healing, support, and sharing experiences.  I am not promoting divorce or reconciliation.  Just saying that it is not healthy to remain in a place of indecision.  It is time to move forward.