Happy Holidays

The holiday season is upon us and in full swing.  This time of the year can be a time of depression and anything less than good tidings of great joy for some individuals.  Some people feel this way because of the loss of a loved one since the last holiday season.  For those of us who are separated and/or going through divorce, this can be a painful time of us as well and is no less important than those who have lost loved ones due to a physical death.  The death of a relationship is traumatic as well.  Due to the fact that the family dynamics have changed, holiday traditions are no more.  The children may have to split time between two different house holds on Christmas.  For those who do not have children, you may be waking up to an empty house on Christmas and don’t want to get out of bed.  It is so easy to focus on the negative and what is not going right.  I want to encourage you this holiday season and every day to focus on the positive things in your life.   I challenge you, and myself, to shift the mental attitude in such a way that you start seeing the positive before the negative.  For example, the kids may spend Christmas with you and then the next day with your ex.  The positive thing is that they are spending time with both parents and they get extra gifts!  Some kids don’t have that luxury.  You may wake up alone on Christmas day, but you woke up in your house not in a hospital bed or in a shelter.  You are alive to see another day and your family can’t wait to see you later at Christmas dinner.  When you think your situation is bad, I guarantee you there is someone else’s situation that is worse.  Having an attitude of gratitude is important, so be thankful for the little things and greater is sure to come. 

A Work in Progress

 Part I
Sometimes this divorce process has me feeling like a hamster running on the wheel that keeps going around, around, around, and around.  Whew!!!  Now I’m dizzy.  He still has not been served with the divorce papers.  He did not make it to the post office in time to pick up the certified letter, so now I must have him served within the next 7 days before the 60 day deadline is over (that is 60 days from the date that my attorney filed the paper work with the court).  If not, then a petition has to be sent to the court to extend the deadline.  At this rate, I will be receiving social security before I am divorced.  O.K. , now that I have gotten that off my chest and reminded myself that these attorney fees are only temporary, I know that all things work together for my good and it will happen in God’s time not in mine.   

Part II

This past weekend we were on college tours for our oldest daughter.  Because of the pending divorce,  we stayed in separate rooms. However we did drive together. This was a new first for us.  The kids were not bothered by it at all.  The youngest two were just concerned about getting in the pool. When we checked into the hotel, I was going to make a joke about him being my brother travelling with me and the girls however I decided not to.  I didn’t want to take the risk of hurting his feelings because I was not sure emotionally how he was dealing with this.  It felt a tad bit strange for me when we arrived, but that feeling did not last long.  We even saw someone in the hotel that is really good friends with one of his siblings. She was actually staying in the room next to him. I laughed and thought what are the chances!

As we toured the colleges and walked through the streets of NYC , the thought did cross my mind that from outward appearances we must look like the "perfect family"- husband, wife, and kids.  I guess that old adage is true, you can not judge a book by its cover.  It was a good weekend for everyone and our daughter was able to remove a college from her list. She said it just did not feel like a good fit for her. After completing the tour, we had some time to visit the September 11th Memorial, Time Square, and visit a few stores. Now it was time to head home.  We arrived back home and dropped him off at his house.  The girls said bye to their dad and I thanked him for doing all the driving ( I do not like driving in NYC and he is great with directions). Then we drove to our home.  While on the drive to our house, the girls where talking about 4 years from now the next oldest daughter will be applying to college and going on college tours.  They talked about that trip and the fact that there may be step-parents involved by that time (It is not a secret that I do desire to marry again).  Even though we are dissolving our marriage, we will always be linked because of the three best things that came from that union.  I am thankful that we both had the opportunity to share this experience with our daughter.  We were not at odds with each other, we did not have any disagreements, we came together and made this thing work for our daughter.  I am so proud of that fact because some divorcing spouses can not do that. 

What Are You Expecting?

I am waiting for a court date to be set for the divorce.  Even though the paper work was filed in July, the case was not entered into the system until mid August.  When the information was entered, I discovered that the name listed for  my estranged husband was not correct nor was my address.  It was not just a misspelling of his name, it was a totally different name.  I was thinking after all the waiting, this is what happens! Really?! I am not even married to this person.  I don't even know who he is!  How will I get my summons to appear in court?  My attorney had to send a letter to the court regarding the corrections.  I had to calm myself and remember that all things work together for good so this mistake happened for some reason.  His name has just been corrected, however my address is still not correct.  I will deal with it whenever we have our hearing.  My attorney will receive a summons and will notify me.  Patience is not one of stronger attributes. The good thing is that I am honest enough to admit this and try to focus on other things while waiting.  Sometimes I have to stop myself from thinking negatively because those negative thoughts do creep in.  Thoughts like, I hope he doesn't get nasty when we have to discuss marital assets or this process will take forever.  Even though I consider myself a positive person, negatively will come.  The unfortunate thing is that most of us are wired to think negatively before we do positively.  Of course life issues will happen, but if you go through life expecting the worse, you will definitely experience the worst.  Even when something good happens, you probably won't even realize it.

I do truly believe that you will attract what you focus on the most, so I try to focus on positive and upbeat things.This even includes the people I interact with.  My friendship circle is extremely small.  The friendships and associates I have are with people who are positive and encouraging.  People who pray with me and for me.  Those who have traveled this road before me and made it to their destinations.  Even with the bends in the road they stayed focused and positive.  They have remarried and are doing well. I have discovered that you can learn something from everyone who God allows to cross your path in life be it temporary or long term.  Even those you don't like. There is always a life lesson be to learned or a nugget of wisdom gained.  It also gives you hope to know that your temporary set back can be your set up for and amazing future!

Am I Wrong ?

I have officially started the process to dissolve my marriage.  This is part of the process of moving forward (no pun intended).  We should not continue to stay separated because we are not working towards reconciliation.  It has been over 1 year as the court requires and it is time for closure. Even though I do not want to reconcile with him, I felt sad after meeting with the attorney.  The sadness comes from grieving the death of the marriage.  It is really hard to put into words but if you have been through divorce, you know exacting what I'm talking about.  To be completely honest, I even felt a little apprehensive telling my estranged spouse that the divorce process has started and he would be getting served soon with the paper work.  I recognized that it was fear (false evidence appearing real).  I wanted to tell him so he wasn't blind sided when he received the certified mail. Months ago we discussed divorce and he told me that he would not contest it but I would have to file.  I pray that this process is peaceful and quick.  Going through this process re-emphasizes the fact that it is so important to choice wisely when picking a mate. It is difficult emotionally and often times financially when you separate and divorce.  There are exceptions to every rule but for most of us, we see the warning signs in the other person and ourselves before we get married.  However, we choice to ignore them and get married anyway.  I am glad that I have become a better woman instead of a bitter one.  

Secondly, there is something else that I would like to discuss.  Starting relationships when you are still married but separated phase.  It seems to be the "new normal." We see it on reality t.v., the movies and in real life.  People are quick to tell you that the easiest way to get over a relationship is to get on with a new one.  There are people who start other relationships while separated and some who are even engaged to others when they are still legally married to someone else.  That may work for some, but this does not work for me.  To quote a line from one of my favorite songs, "Am I Wrong" by Nico and Vinz " I ain't trying to do what everybody else doing, just cause everybody doing what they all do. If one thing I know, I'll fall but I'll grow.  I am walking down this road of mine this road that I call home."  

I feel that I have an obligation to myself and my daughters to set a good example. When I do start dating, it won't be as a woman who is still legally married.  You can live separate from your spouse or even have a legal separation agreement but the truth of the matter is that you are still married until the divorce has been granted.  It is not my intent to offend anyone but I don't believe that starting a new relationship is a good idea when you are still legally married.  Each of us has our own belief and value systems.  We all walk our own walk and do what we feel is right.  This is my walk. Sometimes, I feel like I am in the minority.  It is as though something is wrong with me because I don't have a "boyfriend" or dating someone.  What ever happened to healing from a broken marriage so you don't make the same mistakes or carry baggage into the next relationship?  Even my soon to be ex-husband asked me I was starting divorce proceedings because I was getting married.  I am not even seeing any one.  I will say this, I will not live as society expects me to live.  I will continue to live as God wants me to live.  I know that doing the right thing is not always easy or the popular thing.  I want to be loved and love someone too.  I even want to get married again.  However, I have lived long enough to know that doing the right thing ALWAYS pays off in the end.  The rewards are much greater and worth the wait!

Don't Be A Victim!

I heard a quote from the movie “The Fault in Our Stars” that I thought was very powerful.  “You don’t get a choice of getting hurt in this world but you do get a choice of who you let hurt you.”

I can remember there were many times in my marriage that I considered myself a victim.  I played the role very well.  Every time he did something wrong, I would get angry ONCE AGAIN because I felt that I had been wronged by him.  Once I got my point across and he apologized, I felt as though I had been vindicated.  I can honestly say that sometimes I did not want to forgive because I felt as though he didn't deserve my forgiveness or that I would be perceived as being weak if I forgave him.    I did not want to forgive him because sometimes I felt as though he just apologized to shut me up.  I used to think that If I forgive him, he will just trample over my feelings again.  I would forgive because as a Christian, that is what I am required to do.  In hind sight, I wasn't truly forgiving because I didn't let go of the anger. I knew what the scriptures said about forgiveness but I thought surely God you have to make an exception for me. Didn't you see what he did? I didn't understand that sometimes forgiveness is a process and it does not always happen immediately.  Years later I began to understand that I was wrong not to forgive him.  If I expect my heavenly Father to forgive me, then I have to be forgiving of others and stop keeping count of the number of times I have forgiven by storing mental hash marks.  I eventually began to understand that learning to forgive is for my benefit. It frees you up from that built up negativity and pain so you can move forward in the healing process.  I also understand that sometimes you may not ever get the apology that you are expecting but you still forgive anyway for your on well being and peace of mind.  Also, I believe that unforgiveness leads to ugliness on the outside as well.   Years ago, people used to ask me , "Why do you look so mean?"  I didn't understand what they were talking about.  It wasn't until years later that I realized my outward appearance started resembling what I looked like on the inside. 
 I never took the time to think that maybe the problem was with me and not always with him.   People can only do to you what you allow them to. True forgiveness does not mean we revert to being the victim.  Forgiveness is not saying it is okay so you can walk all over me.  Yes, God wants us to forgive others.  However, God does not require us to be door mats.  He wants us to forgive because it frees us and makes us better people.  Leave the vengeance to Him!

WOW !!!

My estranged spouse told me yesterday that he was sent an anonymous text advising him to check out my Facebook posting which lead him to my blog.  I told him last year that I started a blog but he hadn't read it until the other day for the first time.  He said he remembers that I told him but he didn't know what it was about.  Whether the "anonymous" person meant it to cause harm or not, God allowed this to be a great thing !  A moment of enlightenment for him!  I will not share everything he said because that is between he and I.  However, I will share that he said he finally realized how unhappy I had been for all of those years and he thanked me for hanging in there as long as I did.  All of these years that I have been talking, explaining, fussing, crying, etc. I was never truly understood until he read every last post that I had written over the last year.  All I can say is WOW !!!!!!  I gained a little more insight into his psyche and some things make more sense to me now.  
I am glad for him and I pray that this is the beginning of a new chapter for him in his life, a time for self assessment and continued growth.  That is what I have been doing during this time and it has truly been a great thing for me! I have said in previous postings that we both played a part in the  break down of the marriage.  The lesson that I have learned is that even though you think a person is listening and understands you, they actually may not.  Even if they say they understand.   Just like it is important to know the love language of your spouse or significant other, it is important to understand their communication language as well.  Now it is just not me Moving Forward, we both are.

It's My Anniversary ?

Today marks my 21st wedding anniversary.  I wonder if April 2nd will forever be a reminder that I got married on that date or will one day it just represent the day after April Fool's day.  We actually stopped celebrating the anniversary while we were still living together.  This was during the separated but still cohabiting phase that went on for a few years.
Well, speaking of April fools, I have been asking myself lately what was I thinking?  You really married him?  We were unequally yoked from the beginning and I am not just referring to our religious beliefs.  He does not have the qualities and characteristics of the man I desire to be married to. It's no wonder the marriage didn't work.  I am not saying he is a bad guy, just saying that he was not the one for me. He could probably say the same thing about having married me.  I don't stay in those questioning moments too long because this could lead to depression.  I have grown too much as a person to fall into this trap.  What is done, is done.  My life is the way it is- good or bad because of decisions I made.   The best thing I can do is cherish the life lessons learned, the wisdom gained, and not repeat the mistakes of the past.  There is a saying that states what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  But to that I would like to add, it can only kill you if you allow it to.

March Madness !

We have come to a bump in the friendship road that we have been travelling on for this past year.  A few weeks ago we had a major disagreement of opinion regarding our daughters.  So much so that we were only communicating if it was something regarding the girls.  We eventually pushed pass this. We agreed to disagree but for me, things changed.  To be honest, I really didn't want to be friends with him any more.  I could live with being cordial for the sake of the girls.  We started again on the friendship road.  Fast forward to earlier this week, here we go again.  I am asking God, what in the heck is going on?  Here we go again with another issue! This  !$#hit is getting on my nerves!  I am done with this foolishness! What happened to the friendship?  Even as I write this today, I am not sure how we came to this point.  I believe that because we are at different stages of the grieving process of the end of this marriage, things are really becoming challenging.  I also know that hurt people, hurt people.  I had to remind myself that you can't keep doing the same thing and expect a different result.  It is ok to be angry momentarily, but I can not stay angry.  I also looked at myself to see if there was anything different that I could have done. I had to bite my tongue at one point so the situation would not be worse.   After a self evaluation, I would give myself a B.   This may sound biased because this is my blog and I am expressing my feelings, but I also know the old me.  The old me would have handled this verrrrrrrrrrry differently and would not care if we ever spoke again in life, kids or not.  Thank God I am not that person any more.

It is unfortunate that the friendship is no longer as it was, but I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and I did find some positive things to pull from the negativity.  For right now, things are just working best for us with limited interaction.  I am still  Moving Forward!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Earlier this week marked 1 year that my husband and I have been separated.  It is hard to believe that 1 year has passed and that we still maintain our friendship and that our girls are doing well.  For these things, I am truly thankful.

So, how do I feel about tomorrow being Valentine's Day and I don't have a love interest? Truthfully, I am fine with that.  It is not because I would not want a love interest, Of Course I Do!  Humans were designed to love and be loved.  There are a few reasons why I am good.  When my husband and I were together, I knew when Valentine's Day and Mother's Day came without looking at a calendar.  Those were the twice a year rituals in which  I was given flowers. Not husband bashing here, just being honest.  I would tell him please don't give me flowers just on these days and not any other time of the year.  So, I really don't miss that. I believe that you should not wait until there is a special occasion to show a person how much you care about them. If you show your significant other signs of affection throughout the year, Valentine's Day would then be that extra special something.   Also,  I don't want to rush into a relationship with a man just to say I'm in a relationship.  When the time is right, I know it will happen. I would rather be patient and wait a bit longer and meet the right man rather than connect with any just any man to fill that void.  I focus on positive things and goals I want to accomplish so I won't get caught up in anything crazy that I would regret later.  

To all of the couples, please remember to show love and appreciation to each other often. Congratulations to those who already do! If you don't, why not start today?  You have nothing to lose and so much more to gain.  Last but surely not least, for my separated brothers and sisters, you are loved so much more than you could ever know. Please always remember to love yourself so you can give love to someone else.

Please Don't Stay Stuck

Just the other day, my estranged spouse was talking to me about taking the girls on a trip for spring break and asked if I would go.  I said no.  I began to search the recesses of my mind because I clearly remember telling him before that I would not travel with him and our children like everything was fine.  We had to start doing things differently.  Maybe he thought I would change my mind. I am not trying to live in the past.  I am truly going on without him.  There are times that I think he forgets that things have really changed and that the marriage is over.  I am sensitive of his feelings to an extent.  We were together for many, many years as husband and wife so old habits die hard.  But, I am not willing to comprise myself and all of the hard work I have done to get to this place in my life where I am happy.  I refuse to go backwards!  In the words of Sweet Brown, "Ain't Nobody Got Time For That!"  
I know in time he will move forward at a faster pace.  There are times that I wish it were sooner than later.  People fear change and the unknown. Therefore, holding on to the past and what is familiar is a place of comfort.  In the interim, I remain thankful that we are friends and loving parents to our girls as I continue to Move Forward.

“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

― Martin Luther King Jr.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year !  Wow, I can not believe that it is a new year again.  Where did 2014 go?  It is a time for new beginnings and new possibilities.  Typically every year we say that we are going to do things differently.  But do we really?  I firmly believe that we start off with good intentions and want to do things differently, but we get side tracked somewhere around late January or February.  Some of us may even make it to March.  I believe the truth is that not many of us follow through with the changes that we want to make in the new year for various reasons.  There are only a faithful few that set goals and follow through with them.  I did make a vision board in 2014 and to be honest, I accomplished maybe one or two things on the board.  My plan is to do better in 2015 with goal setting and accomplishment.

It is something different about 2015 for me that has been different in past new years.  Not just the fact that I am starting the new year in a new home without my husband and embarking on new dreams and goals.  I honestly, feel that this year is going to be a stellar year for me.  All of the tears of disappointment and loss that I have cried over the years have watered my garden of blessings long enough.  The crops of blessings have grown and are waiting for me to harvest them.  Too much water will destroy the crops.  The watering season 2014 is over.  Harvest time 2015 is now !  Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results (Albert Einstein). 
 Staying in this same vein, there is an adage that says "Put your money where your mouth is. "  So I have decided to do something a little different as I close out this blog. Some of you reading this know who I am but there are some who do not.  I chose to write anonymously in 2014 when I started the blog because I wanted to have some privacy.  I believe now is the time for the world to know who I am because I have an assignment in this world and I have a strong passion within me to let men and women in my position know that I understand the pain  of being separated.  I understand how it feels to not want anyone to know, especially your family.  I understand how it feels to not want your kids to know that Mommy and Daddy are having problems and the looks in their eyes when you tell them that Dad is moving out.  I understand not wanting to be apart of the married couples ministry at church because you are not with your spouse and not able to be apart of the singles ministry because you are not single.  This is one of the reasons why I started the blog!  I also understand that it is now time for me to identify who I am because there are men and women out there some where who need help with this process but will not open up if they don't know whose blog they are reading.  Let me introduce myself to some, and reintroduce myself to others.  My name is Kimberly Redditt, it is a pleasure to meet you and I am Moving Forward!  Please help me with getting my message out to those who need healing.  I encourage you to share my blog with everyone you know.  Remember often times people only tell you what they want you to know. Our family and friends may be hurting and we don't know because they don't feel comfortable sharing or may be too embarrassed to open up to you.  I want to help them Move Forward.